If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
