You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Let's paint friendship bongs
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
