ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
