I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
