Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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