I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
