I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
