be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize