Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
