He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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