i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
