I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
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He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
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I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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