Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
