there's paper in my vomit.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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