What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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