I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
