so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
