It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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