Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I smell stomach acid.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
