my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
