if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
