New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
