You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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