i wish there were pregnant emoticons
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Two words: blizzard sex
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize