Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
