There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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