Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
