So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
