I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
This toilet bowl is my home.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
