Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
