so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
