My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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