I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
