I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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