We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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