I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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