you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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