Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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