I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
