theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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