you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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