I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
