Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
