I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
