just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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