if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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