remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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