Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
