I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
