One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
