Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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