Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
