No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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