i think my tv is drunk
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
